Can't Dye This/Transcript
Sydney: This is it, Olive, seventh grade. The big time. Time to make our mark, blaze a trail, and... That's all I got. Are you even listening? Olive: No, I'm checking my first day of school horoscope. Pisces, you are introverted and quiet, but this is... :(mumbling) Sydney: I can't hear you. What's it say? Olive: (shouting) It says, I needed to speak up! Sydney: Well, does it say anything about embarrassing your best friend? 'Cause you nailed it. Olive: Hey, Friday's picture day. I better work on my smile. How do I do look? Sydney: Like you're being held hostage. Olive, do you realize my class photos look the same since, like, forever? I need a new look, one that reflects seventh-grade me. Someone bold, fierce, like a bull crossed with and eagle. A beagle. Olive: Keep working on it. Sydney: Yeah, not there yet. Max: Syd? Syd? Syd! Sydney: Dad, what are you doing here? Max: You forgot your lunch in the car. I think, subconsciously, you were'nt ready to say goodbye. And now you're ready. Olive: (shouting) Hi, Mr. Reynolds. How are you? Max: I'm fine, Olive. Are you mic'd? Sydney: Dad, thanks for bringing my lunch, but you've got to go. Max: Okay, okay. I just want to take a quick peek at my old school. Sydney: Well, please take it fast. This has seriously high embarrassment potential. Max: Wow, it's like being in seventh grade all over again. Hey, this is where my old locker used to be. Boy, that sucker was always tricky to open. :to 1992 Leo: Max! Young Max: What's up, Leo? Leo: Wait until you hear about computer camp. I learned how to progam... I also swallowed a bee and battled a foot fungus. Young Max: Well, while you spent the summer aplying ointments, I learned how to skateboard. I nailed the 360 ollie heel-flip. Leo: Is that a chipped tooth? Young Max: I also nailed a face-plant. Leo, I met these awesome skateboard kids at the park. Call themselves the Dog Boys. They're bad. Leo: How bad? Young Max: How bad? Getting dark outside means nothing to them. Leo: Who are these people? Hey, I could use my new camcorder to tape your moves. Check out how small it is. Only takes ten D-cell batteries. Young Max: Leo, these Dog Boys do whatever they want, skate wherever they want. They're so cool, they don't even say hi. They just do this... Leo: You mean like this? Young Max: No, like this. Leo: Like this? Young Max: No, like this. Leo: Like this? Young Max: Yes! Leo: Really? Young Max: No! Leo, I could be a Dog Boy. Go the moves, the clothes. Now I just need the hair. I'm gonna bleach mine, too. Leo: Right, like your mom would ever let you. Young Max: She doesn't tell me what to do. Well, she does, and I do it, but that's because I want to. Leo: And as your friend, I'm gonna let you believe that. :back to present-day Max: Well, "the embarrassment potential" is leaving. Love ya, honey. :(smooches) Sydney: Dad! Max: Um... Sydney: Olive, get me out of here. Olive: I'll be your eyes. Excuse me! Nothing to see here! Sorry, gotta go! :THEME Sydney: Okay. let's find my new look. How about a pixie cut? Olive: Cute! Sydney: Cute's the old me. Cute's the reason my dad confused me with Gabby Kunkel. Olive: Dude, it made the funniest GIF, your dad kissing Kunkel. And again, and again, and again, and again. Let's see you with a bob. Sydney: Too young. I've got and idea. What if I take the blunt bob and add some pink? Olive: And some blonde. Sydney: And some purple. Olive: Oh, I am so here for that. Sydney: And what if I shave one side? Olive: Wow, I want to be her friend. Sydney: You are. Olive: I am! Sydney: Morning, Dad. Max: Good morning, Syd. Sydney: Dad, remember yesterday when you kissed Gabby Kunkel in front of the entire school? Max: How could I forget? Olive keeps sending me the GIF, again and again and again. Sydney: Well, it made me realize. I don't want to look like every other girl. It's time for a change. I need to do something different with my hair. Max: I'm cool with that. Sydney: You're the best. I came up with the most amazing look. Max: Holy schnikes! I get it, very funny. Now you can show me the real one. Sydney: That is the real one. Max: Holy schnikes! Sydney: I'll pay you back every penny. Max: You won't have to. There's no way I'm letting you do it. Sydney: Are you serious? Why not? Max: Because you're too young, and it's too extreme. It's like a peacock got run over by a lawnmower. Sydney: This is so unfair! As a woman, I shoud have a choice over how I want my hair to look. It shouldn't be dictated by a man. Max: I'm not a man, I'm your father. Sydney: Can't you act like a mom for once instead of a dad? Max: Fair enough. Pretend I'm your mother. Sydney: Okay. Mom. Max: Yes, sweetie pie? Sydney: How awesome is this hairstyle? I really, really want to get mine done like that, okay? Max: You'll have to ask your father. Sydney: A mother would never say that. Max: Well, this mother would. I'm an old-fashioned woman. Judy: Hey, Noddle! Sydney: Hey, Grandma. I thought you were still sleeping. Judy: Why waste time doing that? I just took my first spinning class. The only problem is, I can't get "Booty Shake" out of my head. Max: And now, unfortunately, neither can I. We thought you might want to take it easy on your first day of retirement. Judy: Are you kidding? I plan on doing all the things I never got a chance to. Ride a camel, do a mud-run, catch my girl Rihanna. You feel me, Syd? Sydney: I feel you, Grandma. Your life is kind of just beginning and mine is over. Judy: Oh, what did your dad do now? Max: What makes you think it's my fault? Judy: Because your generation doesn't get. Sydney: I came up with an awesome new hairstyle for seventh grade, but my dad won't let me do it. Max: And now, you can see why. Judy: It's beyond awesome. It's sick! If I were up to me, I would let you do it. But if buzzkill wants to crush your spirits and whiz on your dreams, that's his call. Sydney: Parents can be so lame. Judy: I know, right? Max: Now, Syd-- Syd, remember, I'm gonna pick you up after school. It's Taco Truck Tuesday. Sydney: Oh, right. I don't think I'm gonna be able to make it. Max: Why not? Sydney: Because I'm not talking to you! Max: "If it were up to me, I'd let you do it"? Where was that mom when I was a kid? Sydney: What are you talking about, Max? I was always the fun mom. :to 1992 Judy: It's 3:34, Max. Where you been? Young Max: Been around... the library. Judy: Library, huh? Let's see about that. Young Max: No, not the sniff test... Judy: (sniffs) Grass.(sniffs) Rubber.(sniffing) Concrete. Young Max: You can smell concrete? Judy: I can smell your soul. You've been at the skate park, haven't you? Young Max: I can't help it. I love it. It's the first thing I've ever been good at. Judy: Nonsense, you're good at a lot of things. Like, um... like, uh... That's not important right now. You're gonna chip another tooth, or, worse, break your neck, and I don't want you ending up in a hospital having to blink-talk. Young Max: Mom, I know it's not easy being a parent in today's crazy, mixed-up world, but you're doing a great job. And you still manage to look so beautiful, and young. People always ask me, "Is that your older sister"? Judy: Aww, that's so sweet. What do you want? Young Max: I want to bleach my hair. Judy: No. Young Max: W-Why not? Judy: Because I said so. Young Max: Don't you at least want to know why I want to bleach it? Judy: Okay, why? Young Max: I want to look like a Dog Boy. Judy: Beat it, Fido! :back to present-day Sydney: I told him, as a woman, I should have control over my hair. Not him. Olive: Wow, you played the woman card? Sydney: And the guilt card, the anger card, the "this is so unfair" card. I emptied the deck. Olive: And your dad still said no? Sydney: He played the "too young" card. He just doesn't get that I'm not a little kid anymore. The other right, I thought about shaving my legs. Olive: And I'm just finding out about this now? Sydney: It was a false alarm. Most of it was fuzz from my leggings. :to 1992 Young Max: I can't believe she won't let me bleach my hair. I'd run away from home if it wasn't mac and cheese night. Leo: Hey, you're putting the kazoos with the whoopie cushions! Get your head in the game! Young Max: Okay, okay. Josh: Hi. Can I have a dinosaur eraser, please? Leo: That'll be 500 tickets. You only have 497. Nice try, slick. Young Max: Close enough, little man. Here you go. Josh: Thanks! Leo: Why'd you do that? My dad says every ticket has to be accounted for. This is a business. It's not just fun and games. Young Max: The place is literally called "Just Fun and Games". Leo: I am aware of the irony, but those are my dad's rules. Young Max: I'm tired of being told what to do all the time. You know what? I'm bleaching my hair. Leo: But I thought you mom said-- Young Max: Who cares what she said. I'm my own man. I'm 12 and a half in some countries, I'd be on my second wife. :back to present-day (phone chimes) Olive: Ooh! it's a reminder. Tomorrow's picture day. How does this smile look? Sydney: Like you sat on something weird. Olive, I can't have my seventh grade picture looking like all my others. I'm not that kid anymore. Know what? I'm doing my hair the way I want. Olive: But your dad said you can't, and you never go against him. Sydney: Well, he's never been this wrong. Besides, he didn't say I couldn't do it myself. Olive: No, he did not. Sydney: He also didn't say that I couldn't have you help me. Olive: Are you sure? Maybe you just stopped listening. Sydney: Olive, I need you. Olive: But I-- Sydney: Woman-up, man! Sydney: Okay, the first we color, then we cut, then we shave. Boy, those are some scary verbs. Olive, what are you doing? Olive: Reading the directions. Sydney: You've already read them three times, in four languages. Olive: '''(speaks German) '''Sydney: Hurry up. We've got to be done before my dad gets home. Olive: What's gonna happen when he finds out you, you know, totally didn't listen him? Sydney: I know my dad. Once he sees my hair, he's gonna love it... Olive: Hey, I'm pretty good at this! I could literally be a hairdresser. Sydney: Let's pretend we're at a salon. Olive: Okay! Sydney: Got any gossip? Olive: Well... You didn't hear it from me, but there's a girl at school who's dying her hair without her dad's permission. Sydney: I've heard. Olive: Boy, word travels fast! :to 1992 Young Max: Hydrogen peroxide. Leo: Check. Young Max: Lemo juice. Leo: Check. You mom's gonna kill you. Young Max: Check. But by the time she finds out, it'll be too late. What could she do to me then? Leo: Ground you, take away your skateboard, send you to military school. I'd say she has a lot of good choices. By the way, where is your mom? She scares me. Young Max: Don't worry, she's at the movies. Went to see Home Alone. Young Max/Leo: Best movie ever! Young Max: Okay, it's ready. Let's do it. Leo: The instructions say it may burn a little. Young Max: Please, I'm not afraid of a little pain. On the other hand, Holy schnikes! My head is on fire! Help! Help! Leo: Here, use this. Young Max: This is my underwear! Leo: Ew! Young Max: Water. We needed water. Young Max/Leo: fish tank! :back to present-day Olive: Syd, you ever wonder how that dent in your wall got there? Sydney: Probably something dumb my dad did as a kid. Olive/Sydney: Boys... :(timer beeps) Sydney: Time's up. I can't wait to see how my hair looks. Olive: Me, too! We make a good team. Sydney/Olive: Great team. :(screaming) :to 1992 Young Max: (screaming) ... (screaming)... (screaming) :back to present-day Sydney: Maybe I'll shave my head, or hide in the basement, or only go out at night. Please, butt-i n with a suggestion. Olive: It says, "To remove semi-permanent dye, wash hair with baking soda and shampoo". Sydney: Yes. What? Olive: You didn't exactly buy semi-permanent dye. Sydney: Please don't say I bought permanent. Olive: Okay. What else would you like to talk about? Sydney: Olive, what am I going to do? :(knocking) Sydney: Who is it? Max: It's me, Dad. Sydney: One second, Dad. I just got out of the shower. Sydney: What am I gonna do? Olive: I don't know. I'm working on my own defense. Max: Honey, I've got a surprise for you. Olive: She has one for you, too. Max: I've been thinking back to when I was your age, and I decided to lend you the money to do your hair the way you want. You happy? Sydney: Yes. Max: In fact, I called the salon, and they can take you right away. Sydney: Awesome. Max: Sydney, I know you were upset with me, but the important thing is you respected my decision and that means more to me than anything. Olive: (whispers) Now he's just being mean. Max: Okay, Syd, we're here. So what's with the hat. Sydney: Oh, this? It's, uh, my lucky hat. (muttering) And today I'm gonna need it. Gia: Hi, I'm Gia. You must be Sydney, and you must be her dad. Max: Max. And just so you know, Sydney can do her hair however she wants. Gia: Wow, what a great dad! Max: I've got a great daughter. Sydney: (laughs nervously) Dad, this could take, like, forever. Why don't you go to a movie and have a dinner. Maybe go to another movie, and eat again. Max: Are you kidding? I don't want to miss a second of this. Let me know when to hit record. Gia: Wow, what a great-- Sydney: You said that already! How awesome is this wig? Forget the haircut, I want this. The blue one, blue's awesome, brings out my eyes. Let's go. Max: Sydney. Sydney: Or... or pink! Pink is even better. It's more me. It brings out my... thumbs. Max: Sydney, stop. I know what you're up to. Sydney: You do? Max: You're trying to save money. Don't worry, this is my treat. Gia: Aw! Sydney, why don't you go put on a smock. Max: You know, when I was her age, I wanted to look like a Dog Boy. It's a long story. Gia: Okay, time to take the hat off. Sydney: Dad, could you please give me some privacy? Getting a new look is kind of a big deal. Gia and I need to create a bond, get a vibe going. Max: But I-- Gia: She's right. It's a girl thing. Max: Okay, okay. I'll leave. Sydney: Thank you. Max: I'm gonna miss the old look. Text me when you're done! Sydney: You got it! Max: Maybe I'll wait in that yogurt place. Sydney: Yeah, yeah. Yogurt's great. Max: Although, there is that new salad spot. Sydney: Salas, yeah, salad. That's a healthy choice. Max: Who am I kidding? I'm getting a corn dog. Bye honey. Sydney: Dad, please don't stare at me. Say something. Yell. Gia: What in the world were you thinking? :(hip-hop music playing) :(music stops) Judy: Okay. Let's see the new look. Sydney: (gasps) Judy: Well, the important thing is that you love it. Max: Sydney, go to your room. Sydney: Dad, for the millionth time, I'm sorry. Judy: What's the haps? Tell me the sitch, upload me. Max: Turns out my daughter went behind my back, and did her hair the way she wanted. Judy: You mean like you did? Sydney: He what? Judy: I wouldn't let him bleach it, so he did it himself. I was like I gave birth to a traffic cone. Sydney: I can't believe you. You made me feel like an idiot when you did the exact same thing. You're such a hypocrite! Max: Wow. She's never talked to me like that, never done anything like that. What is happening? Judy: Your daughter's almost a teenager. Max: No. No! Judy: It's not easy being a single parent, is it? Max: No, Mom, it's not. Judy: I guess that's why you were so tough on me. Max: What? I was dope! :to 1992 Young Max: I can't believe you made me go to school looking like this. The kids pretended to roast marshmallows on my head! Judy: That's so mean. Look , I know it hasn't been easy since the divorce, with your dad not being around. Young Max: Yeah. He's always flying all over the world to exotic places. Judy: He's an express delivery pilot. Let's not get carried away. But that means that I get stuck being the bad guy, Max. And trust me, I'd much rather be the good guy. Young Max: Mom, I know it's not easy being a parent in today's crazy-- Judy: Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm beautiful, I'm your sister. What do you want? Young Max: I want to get a nose ring... Judy: Beat it, Carrot Top. :back to present-day :(knocking) Sydney: Go away! Max: We need to talk. Sydney: Well, I'm not listening. Max: You were absolutely right. Sydney: I'm listening. Max: I was being a hypocrite. I did the same thing you did. Right in this room. Sydney: So why'd you get so mad when I did it? Max: I was hoping we have a better relationship than I did with my mom. Her answer to everything was, "Because I said so". And now I've become the "because I said so" guy. Sydney: No, you're not. You're not that guy. Max: How do you know? Sydney: Because I said so. Dad, you changed your mind. You were going to let me do my hair the way I wanted, so it was kind of my fault. Max: I know. That's why you're grounded. Sydney: I'm what? Max: But that's not important right now. Sydney: Feels pretty important. Max: Sydney, this isn't just about your hair. This is about you trying to find your place in the world. Seventh grade can be a scary time. Sydney: I'm not scared. Max: I meant for me. I've got face the fact you're growing up, changing, discovering boys. Not to mention all the things going on in your body. Sydney: Grandma! Max: No, no, no, no. I know it hasn't been easy growing up without your mom, but we're gonna get through it like we always have. Sydney: Okay, maybe you're right. Maybe I'm a teeny-tiny, teeny-teeny-tiny bit nervous about seventh grade. There's so many kids, and I don't want to get lost. Max: I understand. And I get that you want to change, take chances, but you don't have to do it overnight. So, slow down? Baby steps? Sydney: Okay, but they're not "baby steps". They're "cool adult lady steps". Love you, Dad. Max: Love you, too. Okay, let's get going. Sydney: Where? Max: Back to the salon. You think I'm gonna let you spend seventh grade looking like that? Sydney: Seriously? Max: Seriously. Right after I take this GIF. Whoa, whoa, whoa... :(door slams) :(snorts) Judy: Flank and fire! Flank and fire! Sydney: Grandma, are you okay? Judy: Oh, I just got back from a game of paintball. We lost a lot of good men. Sydney: So, what do you think? Judy: Oh, baby girl, it's lit! But I thought you were going for something more extreme. Sydney: Yeah, well, I decided right now "extreme" might be a little too estreme... Especially after hearing how my dad's hair turned out. Judy: Oh, you mean "Big Red"? Sydney/Judy: Big Red! Max: Okay, up to your room. Sydney: Do I really have to be grounded? Max: Yep, but you're gonna look mad-fleek doing it. Sydney: Dad, you promised you'd stay off social media. Max: I get it. Sydney: Okay, later, Grandma. Judy: Later, Noddle. :(smooches) Sydney/Judy: Pow! Judy: Ah, remember when I used to ground you, and you'd try to sneak out your window and climb down the tree. But I always caught you. Max: Not always, sometimes. Once in a while. Okay, every time. I'm not the same parent you were. Sydney and I have a special bond, a mutual respect. :(body thuds) Max: Did you hear something? Judy: Not a thing. Category:Transcripts Category:Season 1 Transcripts